


only one of me to get it right

by nosecoffee



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: @ Hobbs you better not be dead, Canon Compliant, Coda to 2x05, Comedy, F/F, Humour, Implied Smut, M/M, Minor Angst, Morning After, Pining, but a lil bit more gay than canon, doughnuts, i'm in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 10:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: "Doughnut?""No...thanks." He replies and gives the room another cursory look. "What happened?"Bart isn't listening. She picks up a pen off of a desk and uses it to pick something off the floor. "This yours?"The blue thong on the end of her own is definitely not his. "No."(Or, the morning after Sound of Nothing)





	only one of me to get it right

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "First Thing's First" by Neon Trees
> 
> I don't know, i was tired when I watched episode 5, and then I started writing this. I have no excuse.

Todd wakes up and that is his first mistake.

He groans, squeezing his eyes shut, and lays his head back down on whatever his serving as his pillow. Of course, whatever is serving as his pillow is also very warm, and feels smooth, and a lot like skin, which leads to Todd opening his eyes again, slower, and with more wincing, to find that he's sleeping on a thigh.

The thigh, as he turns his head a looks up, is attached to none other than their resident detective, Dirk Gently.

Who is very, very naked.

Todd comes to the realisation that he, himself, isn't any better, and currently he's baring his naked ass for the whole world to see.

Todd scrambles to his feet, off of Dirk, off the couch, and if that doesn't give him the biggest head-rush ever, he doesn't know what will.

They're in the back room at the police station. There's Dirk, sprawled over the red couch, and there's Tina and Farah, also quite naked, sprawled on the floor, surrounded by abandoned clothes.

Todd blinks to clear his vision and screams when he finds someone else standing in the doorway.

Bart laughs through the doughnut she's eating. "Awake are ya?" She asks, taking another bite, and unabashedly looking him up and down.

"How - I - what happened? Why are you out of your cell? Where's Hobbs?" Todd stutters and picks up a stray shirt by his feet - Tina's - to save himself a little dignity.

"The lock was crap." Bart shrugs and then holds her box out in offering. "Doughnut?"

"No...thanks." He replies and gives the room another cursory look. "What happened?"

Bart isn't listening. She picks up a pen off of a desk and uses it to pick something off the floor. "This yours?"

The blue thong on the end of her own is definitely not his. "No."

She shrugs again. "I dunno what happened." Bart tells him, and flings the blue thong off of the end of her pen. She glances up at the ceiling fan where a bra is hanging by its strap. "You all went out to that festive thingy and then like an hour later, you all come stumbling back in, yelling, and start having really loud sex in here."

Todd blushes. "Shit. Um. Look, can we continue this conversation once I've found my clothes?"

"Sure." Bart agrees and wanders across the room, flipping the switch on the kettle and pulling two mugs out of the cabinet below. Todd hunts around the room for his underwear and his shirt and jeans, even the dumb suspenders. None of the others stir.

Todd succeeds in finding his briefs and his jeans, and then finds his shirt is being used by Tina and Farah as a pillow. He settles for going without one, for now. Bart pours hot water into each of the mugs, and carries them over to the desk where she got the pen.

Todd sits down in the chair at the desk, and Bart takes a seat on the desk, itself. "Okay, run me down. What d'you do at the festive thingy?"

Todd sees no harm in telling her. Yes, she is out of her cell, yes she's tried to kill them before, but she hasn't killed anyone since turning up, so that really counts in her favour. It'll also help him sort everything out in his head.

"We went to the concert to find Scott - we thought he was The Boy." Todd begins, and fiddles with the pen Bart abandoned. "We split up. Tina and I tried to scope the concert out from the stage, while Farah and Dirk went searching through the crowd. They found him, but got separated. And then Suzie, Scott's mother, turned up, and it became clear that she was the magic one, not Scott, and she was going after Dirk. Something happened. Tina and I went into the crowd to warn Dirk and Farah, but Suzie did something and there were shapes raining from the roof. And I felt weird. Like everything was alright, and it always would be, and I found Dirk and Farah and Tina, and then we were kissing-"

"Who was kissin'?" Bart interrupts.

"Dirk and I." Todd clarifies, the memories becoming clearer. "And Farah and Tina. And Tina drive us back here and _oh my god I had sex with Dirk."_ He runs a hand across his face. _Of course_ he did. Because sleeping with Farah that time in the car behind the roadside diner, because they were both upset and feeling hopeless and hadn't slept and didn't have any money, no, that, apparently, wasn't enough. Now he's slept with both of his best friends. Brilliant, he really _is_ a human disaster.

"Yup. It was very loud." Bart agrees. "Princey and I didn't have much fun with that. No music loud enough to drown out whatever the hell you all did." Todd takes a sip of tea and then spits it out.

"Jesus, Bart!" He cries, only barely stopping himself from tipping the cup of boiling water in his lap. "Did you just put water in this?"

"That's what I seen everyone else do," Bart replies with narrowed eyes. "I thought that's how you make tea."

Todd sighs. "It's not. Never mind the tea." He glances around. Three unconscious bodies, everything's fine. Todd narrows his eyes at the clock. It's midday. "Where's Hobbs?"

"The sheriff?" Bart says through a jam doughnut, jam spilling from the corner of her mouth. "He didn't come back, last night. Must've gone home. Was he at the festive thingy with you? He mighta just wanted a day off after all that."

Todd shakes his head. "He sent us to the concert. He went to tow Mr. Cardenas's car." He bites his lip. "Are you sure he didn't even briefly come in last night?"

"Yup." Bart says, and hands him a chocolate iced doughnut. "If you're gonna go all detective, you better wake up Gently. And he likes sweet shit."

With that, she leaves the room, doughnuts in hand. Her cell door clangs shut. Todd will never understand her. He picks up the mugs and places them over by the kettle, hoping Tina can do something with them.

Someone behind him groans. Todd turns to find Dirk stirring. He cracks open an eye and scowls, groaning again. Todd walks over and places the doughnut in his hand.

"Wakey-wakey, eggs and hangover-akey." He says, and Dirk groans, pushing Todd away with his hand against Todd's face. His palm comes away with blue glitter pain on it. There's actually quite a lot of the blue glitter paint on him. Todd gives himself as much of a cursory look as he can and finds it covering him. How he didn't notice that before, he'll never know.

"Todd?" Dirk asks.

Todd averts his eyes. "Yes?"

"Where are my clothes and why does my head feel like I've been run over?" It's a very valid question.

"That's a very valid question," Todd tells him, with as much candour as possible, "and I have the answers, but before I tell you anything, you may want to put some pants on."

The crashing noise must be a result of Dirk realising quite how naked he is. Todd doesn't look until Dirk clears his throat. It seems that Tina and Farah are sleeping on quite a great deal of clothing, as Dirk has only been able to recover his jacket and briefs.

"Um, you don't happen to know quite what happened, do you?" Dirk says, clearing his throat, again, and pointedly not meeting Todd's eyes. Something tells Todd that Dirk already has an inkling, and that that maybe the cause of the eye-aversion.

"We got magically high at the concert, came back here, and had very loud sex." Todd says, frankly. Dirk's face goes so red, it almost matches his jacket.

"That would explain the-"

"The nakedness?" Todd says. If possible, Dirk blushes deeper. "Yeah. It would."

"Right." Dirk says.

"But that's not the priority, right now." Todd says, dismissing the guilt, and all the non-guilty feelings that accompany memories of the night before. "Bart just said that Hobbs didn't come back last night, and it's already midday. So either he saw our position and didn't want to butt in, or something bad has happened."

Dirk becomes decidedly serious. "That's not good." He says.

Todd nods. "It's not." Dirk places the doughnut down on the desk, a clear Not Good sign if Dirk's turning down a sweet. "And to top it all off, we made absolutely no progress on the case, last night."

"We need to wake the others." Dirk says.

Todd's eyes widen. "Dirk, I'm not sure that's an entirely good idea-" but it's too late. Dirk is kneeling beside Farah and Tina, and shaking their shoulders.

"Farah, Tina, Sherlock's missing." Dirk hisses, and the girls begin to groan out their unhappiness. "Wake up, wake up, the sex can't have been that tiring."

At this, Farah sits up, quickly, and smacks her and Dirk's foreheads together. They grown in pain. And she gets up, a hand against her forehead. Farah freezes once she's on her feet.

"Where are my clothes?" She asks, voice trembling, slightly.

"Around." Dirk answers, not-quite-helpfully from behind her, still gripping his forehead. He then returns to his attempt in waking Tina. Todd immediately grabs the bra off the ceiling fan.

"Is this yours?" He asks. By the way she snatches it from his hand it's clear it is. Farah turns away from them to put it on, and then scopes the room for her underwear and pants.

Around the time that Tina finally lets herself be roused, Farah is fully dressed and making proper tea. At this point, Todd scoops his shirt off of the floor and decides to sacrifice it to the blue glitter paint that won't come off his his chest. It's better than being shirtless.

Tina scowls at everyone as she dresses. "I think this is the worst aftermath of an orgy I've ever been to." She comments, sipping her tea with a disgruntled look on her face.

Todd laughs, a little. "Assuming you've been to an orgy before." He comments.

Tina shrugs, "Country girls make do."

Dirk snorts into his tea, and then shrieks as he accidentally pours hot tea on himself. His own fault, really. He hadn't bothered to get fully dressed.

Farah rolls her eyes, "Dirk, your glow sticks split and they're dripping on the carpet."

He frowns at her. "Is that a euphemism - _oh my god, the glow sticks!"_ The rest of his tea is drunk quickly by the beige carpet and Dirk kneels beside his broken glow sticks. "Oh no, that's not gonna come out easily."

Tina laughs. "Just get it cleaned up before Hobbs sees. He's a forgiving man, but hiring a carpet cleaner will probably test his patience." She frowns, leaning against the desk. "Hey, speaking of, where is Hobbs?"

Todd gives a hesitant shrug. "Bart said he didn't come back in last night, and he hasn't come back since last night, either."

Tina frowns. Farah looks suitably worried. "I'll go check on Panto and Bart. Just to be sure he isn't hiding out in there, with them." She stalks off.

"I'll give him a call." Tina says, pulling her phone out of her pocket and walking into the waiting room.

Dirk very carefully gets rid of what's left of his glow sticks, taking great care to not get any of the neon stuff on his fingers. Once it's done, he stands, surveying the room, with a blank expression, hands on his hips.

"Dirk?" Todd says, pulling on his shirt, now that no ones sleeping on it.

"Yes, Todd?" Dirk replies.

"Wanna, maybe, get fully dressed?" Dirk goes red. And lunges for the pile of his clothes. He's on the floor, pulling on his jeans and Todd leans against the desk. "Should we maybe talk about what happened?"

"What do you mean?" Dirk asks, getting to his feet, and zipping up his jeans. Todd makes himself look away, aware of how creepy he must look.

"How we..." Todd frowns unsure of how to phrase what he wants to say. He tucks his shirt in. "You know. About what happened last night?"

"What's there to talk about?" Dirk takes off the jacket and picks up his shirt and Todd ignores how his mouth goes dry. "We were obviously under the influence of some kind of spell and weren't in control of our actions. I think it's all quite straightforward."

"Right. Yeah. Good. Cool. Awesome." Todd can't help how disappointed he feels at that comment. "Thanks for...clarifying that."

"What?" Dirk says, frowning, as he buttons up his shirt. "Was there something else?"

"It's just that...we were all blurting out shit before it happened, like we'd been affected by a truth serum or something." Todd shakes his head, running a hand through his hair and bending down to pull on his shoes. "I just thought...maybe the spell was just taking away our inhibitions, or something."

"Oh." Todd doesn't look up, afraid that he's given too much away, not wanting to see Dirk's face. He bends to pull his shoes on.

"Just forwarding a theory." He says, in what he hopes is a dismissive voice. "I-"

"Guys!" It's Tina. She comes rushing into the room, phone dangling limply from her fingers a vaguely panicked expression on her face.

"Tina!" Todd cries, standing up after pulling on his other shoe. "What's wrong?"

"Hobbs left me a voicemail, he was at the Cardenas house, and then he paused and said he'd call me back and he never did!" She replies. "Something bad's happened!"

"We need to go to the house." Todd says and Tina nods, frantically.

"I'll go get Farah." Dirk says and rushes off in the direction of the holding cells.

"Did I interrupt something?" Tina asks, coming closer to Todd. "You looked all upset."

"Nah, it was nothing." Todd waves the question away, smoothing out his shirt and grimacing at the stray glitter paint on his arm.

She bumps their shoulders together, pocketing her phone. "You sure?" Tina presses.

"Yep." Dirk renters the room with Farah at his side. Todd avoids eye contact with the detective. "Farah, good, okay, let's go."

"We're not gonna leave anyone with those two?" Farah asks, eyebrows arched, despite her obvious worry.

"I think they can handle themselves." Tina says and waves them all over, halfway out the door. "Let's go."

 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed. If you did, please consider leaving a kudos and/or a comment, tell me what you liked (or what you didn't like if that is the case), and hmu on Tumblr @nose-coffee for posts about random bullshit and notifications when I post new work.
> 
> Again, thank you.


End file.
